List of 100 Things

Well, here's a list of 100 things about me. I'm basically going to type whatever pops into my head, and hope that it fills 100 points. I don't really know why I'm doing it, partly because I feed off attention, partly because I want to try and figure some things out for myself, and partly because I'm quite bored at the moment. Regardless, here it goes:

1. My parents always told me that I was the happiest little kid, which was generally followed with them saying something along the lines of, "What happened?" If only I knew guys.

2. I was born in Dover, NJ and lived in Hopatcong, NJ until I was about a year old. We then moved to the house in Fanwood that a few of you have seen / been to.

3. In fourth grade my parents got divorced, and to this day I still don't know the real reason. It was one of the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life, which sounds pathetic because there are people who have problems much worse than that... but to me, being told every day that families were supposed to love each other and that family was one of the most important things in your life, to witness one event that turned it all into lies was too much for a 10 year old kid.

4. My mom and I used to fight a lot. I recall a time at Brookside Park where someone actually asked me if I thought it was right to treat my mother like that. And I just responded by looking at her in disgust and walking away.

5. I used to smoke a lot of weed. Then one day after smoking weed, I went outside with some friends to have a cigarette and it felt like a chunk of my throat peeled backwards and went down itself, ever since then my uvula has been swollen and I don't smoke.

6. I really like pasta. If there are left overs in my fridge, and it's between anything else and pasta... pasta wins hands down.

7. I feel like there's something about me that makes people uncomfortable. I can't seem to figure out what it may be, and no one has ever told me. But, just something always seems to be wrong.

8. I've never tried to "pick up" a girl. I can honestly say that I just be as close to me as I usually am, which is kind of funny in itself because I don't really know who "me" is. But yeah, I guess I'm kind of lucky that I just "get lucky". (See what I did there?)

9. On that subject, it really bothers me how much of a shit I was to Liz when we dated. I think that's part of the reason I've been such a shit now that we're not dating also. It bothers me even more that she doesn't seem to want to forgive me for it, and it bothers me the most that I can't say I blame her.

10. I have this issue where I don't let the past go. I'm terrible at dealing with regret and misfortune. I'm like one of those old men who say that if they had a time machine they'd go back and change it all... except that I'm 19.

11. I'm almost fucking 20, and I have no goals in my life at all. I can't see myself doing anything besides what I'm doing right now. I hate what I'm doing right now.

12. I've always told my dad I didn't really believe in psychologists and therapists. I feel kind of dumb telling him that I want to talk with one now. But I think I need to get to the bottom of what makes me so miserable all the time, cause I can't seem to figure it out.

13. I often suffer from paralysis from analysis. Basically what that means is that I'll second guess everything I'm about to do, or like see the different things I could do in front of me, and instead of just picking one... I won't do anything at all, and I'll just keep on watching. Or that I'm too busy trying to figure out what you're doing or thinking, that I can't concentrate on what I should be.

14. I don't really do "favorites". I have no favorite color, or food, or number, or band...

15. I have 70 dollars to Kohl's and a green square package on my dresser that I won't use because I'm too stubborn.

16. I cry a lot. Mostly it comes out of nowhere, sometimes it's because of something substantial. Sometimes I'll even force myself to cry if I just feel like it should be happening anyway.

17. Lately I've been thinking about moving back in with my mom.

18. I feel like I was put here to do something great, or something terrible. But I've always felt like I will change the world. I just wish that I knew how or when.

19. I am incredibly jealous of self confident people.

20. I take really long showers, and I get in trouble for wasting water a lot. It only takes me about 5 minutes to clean myself, but I really like just sitting down in the shower and thinking about whatever pops into my head. I hate masturbating in the shower, for reasons that I won't go into, but I thought you needed to know that anyway.

21. My hair is my least favorite part of my body. It never seems to look how I want it to look, and even when I think it does... five minutes later gravity or static or rain or something ruins it.

22. Although some people would argue me on this one, I prefer cuddling to sex. But sometimes sex is just easier to recognize as more fun. I don't know, it makes sense in my head.

23. You will never understand the way I think, don't bother trying. I often explain it to people like this; I process things like a computer... you ever try making friends with a computer?

24. Every so often I like to just be left alone. I really wish I had my own place because just knowing people are in the same house as me bothers me.

25. My favorite book is The Alchemist. It's a story of a shepherd from Spain who travels to Egypt in search of a treasure, and in doing so learns the secrets of the world.

26. I hesitate to write this one because of the type of society we live in today, but I'm comfortable enough with it to tell you to go suck a lemon if you're not. I've hooked up with a guy, willingly. I have also touched a dick other than my own, and had hands other than my own that were not female on mine. It was once, and I will probably never repeat it again. I heard a saying once that I thought was funny, "Once a year, don't make it queer."

27. I wear boxers, never briefs. I don't like anything but ankle socks. I haven't worn a turtle neck since I was maybe 6, and never plan to again.

28. I'm Italian, Irish, French, German, and Chinese. In descending order. To be honest though, I'm about 80% Italian and 20% Irish.

29. I'm not really a people person. I like smaller groups, and to be honest I prefer to have only one or two people around me. Strangely enough, I get really lonely when a large group event is going on and I wasn't told or couldn't go.

30. I hate the fact that Blogger thinks it has a better control over the English language than I do. If it puts a squiggly red line under another one of my contractions I will be rather upset.

31. Ever since that night at Allie's house, I really enjoy doing crossword puzzles.

32. Sometimes I wish that the Internet and cell phones were never invented. I miss back when I was younger where you actually had to call some one's house, and then meet up somewhere to actually talk or to play video games or do anything. Technology never fails to distance the relationship of humans, and I don't know about you all, but I find that terrifying.

33. I used to be into Magic the Gathering. On occasion I still pop out my cards just to make sure my decks are still together in case the opportunity to play ever arises.

34. I don't watch a lot of television. Sometimes I feel like it makes me lose out on a lot of conversations with people, but I just don't find TV to be all that entertaining. There are a couple shows I really enjoy, and I will watch them until I get bored of watching everything.

35. It took me well over a year to finish Full Metal Alchemist because I never just sat and watched it through. It's one of the things stopping me from watching other animes people recommend to me.

36. I wish that I was tripping acid 24/7. It's the only thing I can say that makes me feel like I can do anything. And I don't mean like walk up to a car and stop it with my shoulder anything. I mean like, I don't know, start up a conversation with a stranger anything.

37. I never really understood cheese sandwiches. You have regular sandwiches with cheese on them, and then you have grilled cheese sandwiches with just bread and cheese. Why on earth would you want to give up meat or toastiness for just plain cheese and bread?!

38. I fear change. It's one of the hardest things for me to deal with. I have a very addictive personality and I make habits very easily. And it really irks me when they are broken unwillingly, or even slightly interrupted.

39. I'm terrible at listening. Even to stories about nothing, I hear it and it just goes woooosh right through me. I even try to listen sometimes, trying seems to make it worse though.

40. Many people are afraid of death, or spiders, or heights. None of that really bothers me much, although the first time I went rock climbing I was nervous as shit, but I think that's more cause I didn't think I could do it. I digress, the only thing I'm afraid of in this world is rejection. I don't like being cast aside.

41. I love Legos. They are probably one of the greatest toys (and I say toys loosely) that were ever invented. How many other things allow you to be an engineer at the age of five? Legos give you the materials and a diagram, and you build it... and when you're done you can take them apart and do whatever you want with them. Legos get my best toy ever seal.

42. I'm am unfathomably hypocritical. Especially when it comes to "do as I do".

43. Throughout school for whatever reason the only classes I've ever taken seriously are English classes. I think a lot of that is due to Mrs. McGovern. She is probably one of the coolest people I've ever met in my life, and I really appreciate everything she's done for me.

44. I am totally an e-thug.

45. I've never taken a business class, or anything like that. But I know how to shake hands with people, and I'm very formal when I have to be. I'm not really sure where or how I picked it up, but I'm kind of glad I did.

46. I don't care about money. My dad is all about it, he works three jobs and constantly checks up on his bank account. As long as I have what I need to get by and not be worried about it that's all I ask for. I hope to one day be able to give my children a life they deserve, but not at the expense of my own sanity.

47. I really dislike regular potato chips. They're greasy and gross and just all around not good. Oddly enough, I also hate Pringles... which are like potato chips without all the gross. Cheese doodles also suck.

48. I think the scariest super power in the world would be the ability to read minds. I would never ever want that kind of power.

49. I still think that socialism is a better form of government than democracy provided it works and no one becomes head strong and power hungry. There's much to say about everyone being actually equal as opposed to ideologically equal.

50. I've always wanted to have a quote that people remember. You know the type of thing people put in their away messages or something. My favorite quote is,
"Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence." - Henrik Tikkanen

51. I don't think that I am an insomniac, I just think that I don't like going to sleep. Going to sleep means the day is over, and a lot of times I feel like I haven't accomplished anything for that day, so I try to stretch it out longer. It never seems to work though, and usually I just end up yawning more.

52. I have to go to work now, and I've been putting it off to write more on this list. That's kind of a lame number 52, but it came right before Sean's favorite number... so I'll think of something good for that one.

53. I really wish that people were more comfortable behind the wheel of their cars. I can not stand when people are timid and unsure when they drive, because it makes things harder for the rest of us. I also dislike it when people just can't drive period. (Haha, I didn't do this intentionally, but I think it's funny that I mentioned Sean in the last post.)

54. I don't feel like the human race was designed to mate for life, there's simply too much wrong with the biological coding.

55. I love snow. Everything about snow just makes me happy. Never really figured out why so many people hate it. I don't even mind shoveling it.

56. I used to play piano when I was younger, then I played trumpet and trombone in middle school. I also sang in the chorus for 3 or 4 years in school, just not in high school.

57. I really like my coat, I enjoy looking like a villain.

58. I really hate the customers that come into Drug Fair. I don't know what makes these people think that I thoroughly enjoy coming in everyday to ring them up as they're talking away on their phones, and smelling like shit, and being rude, and crinkling up all their money, or looking for a hundred pennies. I'm going to slaughter them all.

59. I'm not really sure how I feel about Obama as president. To be quite honest, I don't think I even care who is president.

60. I'm always really tired.

61. I am a smoker, but if I'm still smoking once I'm done with school I'm going to quit cold turkey.

62. I used to run two miles twice a day, I don't think I can even run two minutes now.

63. I wish that soccer moms didn't rule the world, because American society has been going downhill. I think women took the feminists movement a bit too far. Equal rights doesn't mean you have the right to change policies because you don't want your kids eating brownies or some shit.

64. I wish that my laptop had XP on it... Vista fucking sucks.

65. I'm a huge nerd. I play an MMORPG, I'm not real great with the ladies, I'm very nonconfronetational, I have a crush on the original Pink Ranger, and the kicker? I don't really find anything gross or weird about Hentai. =/

66. Is my favorite amount of change to give back. Two quarters and one of everything else.

67. I hate my screen name. It's so lame, fucking middle school boy's idea.

68. To this day my dad is the coolest person I've ever met. I don't know why I've never told him that. I hate my dad sometimes.

69. I wish people were more inclined to just sleep with everyone. I'd be totally down for that.

70. I don't know how I will feel when my first grandparent died. My mom's godfather, who was like an uncle to me, died a couple years ago and it didn't upset me too much. It was just a terrible event because it was someone I knew who died. But I can't imagine life without my grandparents around. My grandma is pretty close, she has a lot of complications from, go figure, smoking.

71. On that note, one of the saddest things for me to think about is my dad dying. It's not just the fact that I would lose a family member, but also that I wouldn't know what to do. It would be sort of similar to my mom kicking me out, except I won't have a scapegoat to blame it on... just a dead parent.

72. I wish people would talk about stuff more, I really don't like all the passive aggressiveness in the world. And I'm just as guilty as anyone else of it.

73. "Even in the darkest of suffering a man can sleep, but for the man who inflicts the suffering his mind cannot rest... ever." -Ishbal Elder "Full Metal Alchemist"

74. My life is sort of like a concave mirror, from really far away my life seems clear and in focus. Once I start moving closer to things that everyone else seems to think "makes sense" I hit the focal point and everything is blurry, and then even when I overcome things... they're flipped upside down anyway.

75. Secretly I care a whole lot about the people I consider close to me. I'm just terrible at showing it, and no one ever seems to want to talk to me about stuff. I'm always there to try and help anyone out with anything.

76. This list has taken me about four different sittings to complete.

77. I was just informed that a young kid threw a taco at his mom for unplugging his Xbox.

78. I think that big tits are sometimes a turn off. Especially if those big things also mean that you have dish plate nipples. Big nipples are also pretty gross.

79. I don't really like soda all that much, sometimes I like to have a Mountain Dew or a Coke. But most of the time I like juice, and even more than that just a water is fine.

80. Something tells me that I won't ever fix things that aren't actually broken.

81. I'm really bad at buying things I'll never use. I have two of my own small televisions, a PS3 that sits in my basement and collects dust, tea from the mall that is still in the can, and three Pandora posters that I'm yet to hang.

82. I really don't mind shaving, it's just that it takes me like fifteen minutes or so to do it... and I'd rather use that time to sleep than to look nice.

83. I like strange music... including but not limited to: Placebo, Shpongle, Mindless Self Indulgence, Acceptance, Kill Hannah, Thievery Corporation, Massive Attack, Firescape, God Lives Underwater, Infected Mushrooms, Younger Brother, etc. etc.

84. I really, really need to urinate.

85. My first kiss was in 7th grade if I remember correctly. My first kiss that I actually cared about was in 8th.

86. I wasn't sure if it counted when I lost my virginity, it was actually fairly amusing at the time.

87. I don't eat breakfast, and even though I like breakfast food... I don't like it for lunch or dinner. So I don't have pancakes too often.

88. The Voyager is a fucking sexy phone, I know... you're jealous.

89. Greed, Envy, Lust, Wrath, Sloth, Gluttony, Pride. In descending order, and I'm not talking about the vices. Oh and the Crimson A.

90. I'm scared that I will become a diabetic. It runs on my moms side of the family, and I've never really taken enough care to eat healthy. That would really be a shitty thing to have to deal with though.

91. I'm born in April, which makes me an Aries. Also an earth snake in the chinese Zodiac.

92. I'm late for work, and I'm still writing this instead of getting ready because I am so close to being at 100.

93. Although I am very glad that I got a new car, I really miss my Saturn. There's something about your first car that I don't think anything will ever replace.

94. Same goes for your first handjob lolz.

95. I'm fairly certain I can get very anoying very quickly. I try not to, but sometimes I think things stay funny well after the joke has been killed, slaughtered, turned into an insult, raped, battered, and then maybe it's funny again?!

96. I don't think there is a day in my life where I haven't woken up with a stomach ache.

97. I was suspended from school in sixth grade for threatening to kill someone who I was like good friends with. I had to stay out of class for a week, and go to a pyschologist to get analyzed. The psychologist just made fun of the school the whole time.

98. Speaking of school, despite common misconceptions I never grabbed anyone ass. I'm not really sure where that rumor started or why I was the lucky one, but it really bothered me to even be accused of that.

99. To this day I think that the cutest thing I've ever seen was the original Scrubbing Bubbles character. However, the new one is angry and far less appealing.

100. Writer's Block.

Microexpressions

Dr. Paul Eckman is quite possibly the biggest beast in the field of human psychology ever, and the fascinating part is that he does not focus on people's brains.

He developed a system where he could tell the way people were feeling based on the angles and positions of different aspects of the face. He called these subtle fractions of a second expressions "microexpressions" because they are just that, tiny little fragments of body language that is universal to human beings of all cultures, races, genders, etc. Different feelings can flash during everyday normal conversations that can tell you so much more than words ever could.

I'm going to see if I can train myself to notice these microexpressions. Unfortunately it will cost me a pretty penny to do so, but it's something I'm really interested in doing. So maybe I'll get interested enough to turn it into a profession or something as well, but for now it's just some hobby-ish type thing.

I'm gonna put a spin on that whole 25 List thing, and post one here as well as on my Facebook. This one is going to be a list of 100 though, because I friend of mine recomended I try one. It may take a few days to do though.

Where I'm Going

I have decided against my better judgment to reestablish what was once a miserable existence of written text. In doing so, I plan to no longer create it to be such.

I'm actually going to have two different blogs up under this account. The first will be my blog, about whatever I feel like writing about. I may even use it for my English or Psych class if I have to write about anything interesting. The second blog will be designated for my alternate self, Sukhoruk. For those of you who don't know, Sukhoruk is my character in an MMORPG called Final Fantasy XI. It's a game that after 4-5 years I can say I still relatively enjoy spending time on, and a place where I have met many terrific people. (And yes... it's like WoW.)

There will probably be much more traffic and or updates to my FFXI blog, for the simple reason that I have more to talk about in it. Or at least more positives.

Now that the random stuff is out of the way, I'm going to explain a little about where I intend to be in the next couple of months.

I have finally decided on at least a tentative plan of action for myself. I am going to finish off my major, which is American Studies, at UCC. I have about a 3.375, which isn't nearly as bad as I thought I had for first semester... but regardless it needs to be brought up. As I said, I plan on finishing my assosciates and leaving. I'm not entirely sure if I will be going back to UMass, or if I will look into a different school, and I'm not really sure if my parents will be willing to help me. But I do know that I am tired of living a like a leech, and just draining the patience of everyone around me.

When I go to wherever I go, I will probably end up majoring in education or prelaw, I haven't really decided which one yet, but I'd be a beast at either of them. In the meantime I am going to be keeping my current job at Drug Fair, even if it's going down the drain further and further by the day. Tuesday I'm going to call Hatch Mott to see if I can get my internship there again for the summer, and try to make some legitimate form of money. And maybe if I'm lucky I will be able to move out of my house and into my own place for the year left I have at county.

I read a good friend's post about New Years and resolutions for himself, and it got me thinking about how I have not even made a single one. And to be quite honest, if anyone needs some resolutions it's me. So here are some things that I will be trying to work on in the next few months:

Being less of a little girl: This one sounds kind of funny, but it encompasses a lot of things. I want to start running / lifting again because I've just become a ball of nothing and it's really bringing my confidence down. I don't want to care so much about what people think, and along those lines I want to attempt to be less vain. And I also want people to want to be around me, because I feel like I just make myself so unappealing.

Do well in school: This one is pretty self explanatory, and also I think will be pretty easy to do. I have a much better schedule, and I see less of my friends, which in turn will hopefully make me less likely to skip class. I'm going to try to talk my way into Andrew's psych class so I can make my schedule even that much sweeter and actually have a motivation to go and enjoy school.

Meet new people: I've had some fun with everyone, and I regret everything I'm about to say, but I feel like I'm not with the right group anymore. My interests are... I think it's safe to say a little oddball. I don't know why, but I've always seen myself with people that wear a lot more... I want to say leather and drag. Yeah, I don't really understand it to be honest... but what can I say, I'm a big fag despite being uncontrollably attracted to every girl I ever meet.

And finally, I just want to change my style: I want to be more like what I want to be in my head. I don't expect anyone to really understand or get that except for me, but I wanted to write it down nonetheless.


I got to get some sleep, I have class at 10 tomorrow morning and I have to pick up Will beforehand. Until next time.

"Accept the things you cannot change. Have courage to change the things you can. Have the wisdom to know the difference." Saw that on some guys forum signature, and I really liked it. Turns out it's a prayer called the Serenity Prayer.